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[02 Oct 2007|01:57pm] |
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To everyone who thinks that severe depression and bipolar or mental illness in general can just be ignored, switched off voluntarily, or that the resulting actions of emotions that exhaust you to control are stupid, childish, or immature. I have this for you: I WISH NOTHING BUT THE WORST POSSIBLE MISFORTUNES AND I HOPE YOU DEVELOP A SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS ONE DAY! Now, normally I wouldn't say that, but certain individuals (and you know who you are) honestly seem to believe this is absolutely true! THis is far, far, far beyond fallacy of human perception! This line of thought only serves to further stigmatize and further alienate the mentally ill. I would say worse things to some of you, but those of you that need to hear it, are just way too thick skulled to understand anything of compassion. You only want to ridicule the sick ones and further accelerate their descent into madness. Now, I really want and know the individual this post is aimed at, will most likely come across it one day, and I hope for her sake, as well as her child's that she understands her errant perceptions. I would hate to see another child raised with such a closed mind, a child completely lacking in compassion. I could say so many hurtful things, but part of me says not to, and I think I will be ignorant of her ignorance and take the high road. So, to all of you who have treated the ill or sick this way....shame on you! We're no different than you aside from being born with neurological illnesses. You could have very well been born this way as well-Always remember that. WE don't need your sarcasm, rude comments or whatever your closed minds tell you to think. And, you know just because you encounter loss, doesn't mean that I haven't encountered loss of the same caliber. Remember that. People don't tell you everything. I never needed anything from those of you that I now speak of. I never will. So, please gp back to your corner of Florida and live your seemingly storybook life, and never give this post another thought. Why? Because you are too ignorant to be capable of understanding anything other than your own ignorance. But take heart...as if you ever had one, Ignorance is bliss is it not? Oh, and really, really don't hold yer breath. I couldn't care less of your opinion of people like me any longer. Like I said, I can go on and on with hurtful things...most much, much more hurtful than anything you can imagine coming from me, so choose your words VERY CAREFULLY from now on. You will never speak with me again, but you will always be forced to live in an environment full of others like me. WE aren't idiots, we're not stupid. Quite the contrary. Most of us can probably outscore you on any test placed in front of us, we can most likely outperform you in any capacity. WE just have much stronger emotions to deal with and that becomes exhausting. And, as we all know, exhausting activity that is ceaseless, wears us all down from time to time. So quit looking down and perhaps realise that we are human as well.
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| I Fucking Burned Out |
[11 Apr 2007|03:20pm] |
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The first few hours of a burned-out cook's self-imposed vacation. I completely ran myself into the ground for almost no pay whatsoever, and I finally ended up paying the price. I had to put a 2 week notice this morning. This is by no means the end of my employment at this establishment, I've....no, well Greg and I have decided to leave the 2 week notice open until after mother's day, I've also been promised-an actual promise of at least a dollar raise within 30 days. So...that combined with knowing that I'm essentially invaluable to him and the business, and hearing it from him, makes me feel not so slighted. Perhaps I should resume my wake and bake sessions. Who knows? At least I got payday off. I don't wanna leave and I told him that, and he knows-he doesn't want me to leave either. But, taking this hiatus is in the best interest of the business. Besides, I need some sleep. Somehow, Latitudes got this award from a local snoop-hound TV news reporter called the "Clean Plate" Award for having an appropriately clean facilty. Cool enough I suppose. Gotta go pick up some smokes now. Till the next time.....
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[30 Mar 2007|08:30pm] |
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Put in a longer shift than usual at work. The new hire, Jessica came in and made her soup. I'm not trying to down her ideas or anything, she has definite knife skills to say the least. But, her soup was shall i say, mediocre at best. And now I guess I've been selected to train her on day shift. This kinda sucks to me, because I want that job sooooooooooooooo bad. So I'm feeling a bit perturbed-plus gaige is extremely ill. I'm told he's had fever in excess of 100 degrees, as well as having vomited at least 4 times since early this morning, has to take Tylenol suppositories, and no milk or foo only pedialite. I wish I could be there and makie my little boy all better, but his nana knows best I suppose, I mean she raised a pretty damn great daughter. I trust her completely, and I just know my little boy will be just fine-besides it would probably break my heart to see him suffer like he is now. Well, anyways on a positive side of this dream that is my life....my creativity seems to be finally waking up. I believe the breath count meditations are working, also I've seemingly developed this diehard determination to get what I want most desperately-to be Greg's sous chef. Noone else's. I like him, respect him and his opinions, after all I am his apprentice. I guess i seem like I'm all up his ass or whatever, but he's a very fun person to work with. I found out about another job that pays better across the street, but I really enjoy where I am and suppose Greg will make good on what he said about raises and new titles and whatnot. And gues what? I'm rambling!...
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| My life isn't all THAT bad- I'm alive, have a family and thank God a job! |
[28 Mar 2007|07:32pm] |
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To say it's been awhile, would be an understatement....to say the least. Today was kinda strange. Our Sous chef was fired, and I was informed that even though I am th most qualified, and that I've been able to reign my temper in a bit, I'm still about 6 months away from the position. Also, a girl perhaps more qualified than me who applied yesterday, was given a stage for a shift and a tasting for the morning's shift. If things don't work out, or I don't feel they will..It's kinda been left up to me. I've also been informed that i'll most likely be given a new job title in the coming months- Daytime Kitchen manager. Ryan (night cook whom I originally didn't get along with, but now have much more respect for, aside from his massive cocaine habit) and I will be getting raises soon and he will also be getting a new job title.I'm a little upset that I didn't get the position, but oh well. Maybe next time. Well, at the very least, this girl...Jessica i belive her name is, will stay on as a line cook if she turns out to be less than what she claims to be. I have to October-the restaurant's 1 year anniversary to calm my nerves and reign in my temper a bit. More sleep has been a definite help, not to mention my breath control exercises and my trips to the beach(a 1/2 block from the restaurant). I really wanted that job, but hopefully this is for the best. God I hope so.
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[30 Sep 2006|01:19pm] |
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Two days ago, on a whim after having a pretty huge argument with gwen, I decided to get out of the house and go apply for a random job that i normally wouldn't have applied for. Apparently, the executive chef, Jason was pretty impressed by my resume and experience. During the course of the first interview he threw an offer for a sous chef position. This is beyond awesome, especially since he called back the next day and offered me a position paying pretty much what I was looking for. I told him I'd like to work a few weeks a line chef, most likely as a grillardin or tournant or even (at the very least), a garde mange chef. This is just so awesome-especially if I end up as the sous chef. This is a major advancement for me, as well as for Gwen and Gaige. I looked up the average local salary for sous chef in jacksonville. It's a little lower than the averages in some of the larger U.S. cities, but it's still enough. 25 percentile earn about 28-29,000/ yearly and the 75 percentile earn about 38-40,000 a year. I figure now that i'm a bit more stable due to my medicine, I could stay with this company for at least a year or two, and if I still want to attend culinary school, I can always move to Orlando or something for culinary school, or if I can obtain some health insurance, I can just attend either the culinary program at the university of north florida or the community college and always transfer to a more prestigous culinary school and eventually move out of florida to the pacific northwest, which is where I'd like to be. (either that or canada). I know things are finally beginning to change for me....for the better. Funny how once the medication began to work, my life seemed to drastically improved. I just hope Gwen begins feeling better soon. She started some medicine last night and I haven't had a chance to speak with her about it-she's more stressed over leaving Gaige's diaper bag at the japanese place we ate at last night. So, I gotta stop there at around 5 today to pick it up(unless they try pulling some shady ass shit). Overall, I'm pretty satisfied with the way things are progressing for me right now. I've never really been able to say that, so this is obviously a good thing. Later-J
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| THINGS ARE ALWAYS OKAY...... EVENTUALLY |
[28 Sep 2006|04:17pm] |
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Okay, so yesterday I managed to snag a bottle of 100 hydrocodone/Ibuprofens from the pharmacy. Of course i'm gonna eat a few, I mean who wouldn't as long as the rest get sold-right? Gwen doesn't see it that way. She thinks b/c I gave some to some friends and ate a few that I am now addicted to the damn things. So who the fuck becomes a junky from taking about the same amount of hydr that i would normally take if they were prescribed by a dentist and only on one occassion. Now my only profits are in her posession as well as the majority of MY pills that I stole!!! Aint that some shit? I mean I gave her the money, but she all of a sudden decides that I'm an addict b/c I took some hydros and got stoned. Besides she's been acting pretty fucked lately and it's apparent to all but her. She needs to understand that in a working, functional relationship, both parties get to have a say in decision making processes. So today I attempted to put my foot down-didn't work very well. It never does though. She doesn't understand that she's hurting our relationship by constantly setting boundaries and demands of me. It's only human nature to go against demands or when you feel as though someone else's agenda is being imposed upon you. So when she gets pissy about me staying up late with friends-that only makes me want to do it more. Today I hadn't planned on eating any hydros, but after our huge argument-which could've been avoided had she listened to me and left me alone for a few hours, I ended up eating a couple just to calm myself down, and also in spite of her accusations that I was hung-over from the pills, and that I "probably ate all of the pills" So of course I'll become combative and even more difficult and be more prone to be upset. She's gotta learn-I ended up breaking up with her even though I don't want to. She keeps pushing me away by saying everyday that I'm gonna leave her or cheat on her or screw her over in some way. You know how there's that saying "be careful for what you wish for?" It just might be true. I don't understand why if she's so hopeless about our relationship she doesn't just leave me? I understand I've had alot of trouble maintaining employment for about 2 years, but today I got a great offer which will most likely be finalised tomorrow afternoon. The position is a sous chef position-I'll basically be 3rd in line in the chain of command and 2nd in charge in the BOH(or kitchen) operations. I mean this should change things, but it probably won't mean shit to her. Nothing good I do anymore ever really matters to her anymore. She's lost the ability to see the positive side of anything. So hopefully breaking up with her will shock her into not acting so controlling.I let her exert more control over me than most guys would. Most guys would've been out a loooong time ago. But me, noooooo-because I actually do love her. It's not her fault my bipolar disorder got as severe as it was for like 2 years. I'm back on proper medications now, and I'm ready to work and face the world again-but I get the feeling she doesn't want to be around me anymore-so why shouldn't i numb myself? It seems as though she is bipolar now as well. Or perhaps I made her this way. I wish she would just give me till halloween-if she would give me that long, I can prove things are gonna get better. I guess she can't go more than a few hours without breaking down into tears over the irrational thought that I've forgotten her demands of me spoiling her and taking care of her. I kno2w she took care of me for almost 2 years and gave me a beautiful baby boy-I don't easily forget kindness, especially kindness of this magnitude. How can I ever forget her...period? But I can't maintain my patience whilst being reminded of my inability to get work like 2 or 3 times a day. I'm getting sick of the crying fits and all of her stress. Why acn't she just get better? I refuse to walk on eggshells any longer. I made her an appointment with my psychiatrist-I hope he can help her. Ohh, and she's taking phentermine- a stimulant for weight loss. This drug is only exacerbating her emotional problems, especially combined with her extreme lack of sleep and developing Bulemia(sp). I mean I used to weigh pretty close to 300 lbs., I lost it with lots of hard work and a decent diet. But she believes that by forcing the food out of her by vomiting will make her lose weight. No it doesn't work like that. You can't lay around and expect the weight to just dissappear. I can't go on with anymore right now. I'm sure if I dive head-first into work, I'll forget all of our problems. They are probably stupid, petty issues anyways. I usually feel pretty level and normal these days, aside from when she treats me badly. Things will get better. I don't believe that or have to make myself believe it anymore-Now, I KNOW. THINGS ALWAYS GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!
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[22 Sep 2006|11:54am] |
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Okay-so my birthday kinda sucked ass, but now that's over. Time to get on with abit more of my life. Today has started well-very well actually as did yesterday. Managed to get a job, it pays shit wages , but it's something for the moment-I'm still looking, perhaps save some cash and relocate and attend either culinary school or a 4 year college and study neuroscience or psychology or something useful. My medicine seems to be working quite well. For some strange reason, things seem to make sense and my thoughts seem a bit clearer these days, almost like I had a blindfold on before. I'm starting to actually love my life, granted there's much, much room for improvement. I'm content I suppose I could say. I feel pretty damn optimistic. Gwen worries me lately. She's allowing herself to feel too much pressure. She gets so emotional and angry-there's this sense of such rage most likely projected at me. I think she hates having a baby. I feel awful that she might feel that way. I love him soooo much-I just wish I could spend more time with him. I miss him right now. I hope gwen starts feeling better soon. I put her through hell basically, and now it's my turn to suffer what I put her through. I can do it though, if I can survive the other side, I can help someone through it-I just gotta cultivate my patience a bit more. I love her so much and I wish she would just see that and see how beautiful lif ereally is, no matter what happens in your life. You just gotta notice it-it's subtle, but once you catch a glimpse of it, you'll always be able to find it in anything in life. Bella Vita! -J
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[25 Jul 2006|03:32pm] |
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I think it's a couple of days since my last entry, so here's an update(however grim it may sound) Okay, so in the past few days i managed to eat a hit of blotter and just sit on a "friend's" couch in my own world followed a few hours later by half a tab of meperidine (AKA-Demerol). went home and all was seemingly okay. Next day, take my medicine and all was fine until that night when i ate the other half tab of demerol -became alittle too incoherent.Was given a tab of psuedoephedrine under the belief that it would rouse me from my almost-nod state. Oh yeah, i also ate half of one of my clonezapams by mistake-looked almost just like a demerol.I also forgot that psuedoephedrine makes me vomit. All of this makes me look very much like a junkie. So, the next day I extracted the hydrocodone from a lortab and injected it along with a moderate dose of lidocaine. Not smart.I only did this out of sheer boredom. I also went to visit a so-called trusted friend and had 4 shots of vodka i had brought. This "friend" tells me i should take my seroquel everyday. I pass out and awaken the next day and go home and take the seroquel-mind you this was early yesterday and I am still attempting to get over the effects. I've finally faced the truth that this so-called "friend" knows nowhere near what i do about psychopharmacology. Even if he is schizophrenic. besides he can't even be polite to me for more than 5 minutes? I'm not pissed, I just think he was being really rude. But i'm not going to go into why. At least i groom myself and I myself have a mental illness. Next time i see him, you can be sure i will let him know. I made a crucial mistake and he treated me like shite. And this coming from a coricidn(sp?) or Dextromethorphan addict. Quit being such a hippocrite! As far as the other one-the one who told my fiancee, i'm happy you did. I really and honestly appreciate you telling Gwen. It just sucks that now i have to deal with borderline opiate depression, and the seroquel just made it worse. Greg-you don't know shit about what you're talking about. I've seen you so wacked out of your head that you had to walk against a wall because you couldn't even stand. I've had to take care of you when you couldn't even comprehend the ordinary state of consciousness. You know what? maybe you should stop drinking and smoking crack with jessica and learn some fucking compassion as i was always polite about your DXM use. I cut you a LOt of slack through your trips-maybe you should think about that the next time you want to condemn someone for a mistake.
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| slow progressions |
[12 Jul 2006|04:29pm] |
Today I went back to Shands to finish my three week long financial evaluation. As previously suspected, my father makes too much money in their eyes for me to be eligible for a clinic card. In reality he makes just barely enough for us to get by. Try and tell shands that. Oh well, at least I have a doctor's appointment on monday and a temporary job that begins on Sunday. I suppose i could've taken this alot harder than i did. i'm still alternating between cycles periodically, but i'm dealing with it as well as can be expected. I think i'
m handling the cycles quite well compared to how i usually handle them. I also decided it would be a good idea to stop and see Gwen and gaige. i was still pretty upset and depressed, but once i saw Gaige, it was pretty damn hard to not smile. i feel badly because of perhaps coming off as being cold towards Gwen, but i wasn't trying to be. I was still pretty depressed. I'd love to make it up to her tomorrow. Depressive cycles just make it so damn difficult to let myself be open to another's love. No matter how badly i need it or want it. I honestly can't wait till monday. Life is becoming clearer now though, and that's a great sign.
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[11 Jul 2006|04:26pm] |
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Back again. I'm pretty sure the depression is beginning to set in. It's slow this time. All of these emotions i'm now experiencing. The very same emotions i try to stuff as far down inside of me as possible are all flying out of me uncontrollable. So much anger, rage and hatred for those closest to me. Greed, jealousy, envy all the very roots of unhappiness are plauging me simultaneously. Unfortunately i don't have the tools to combat these negative emotions all i have is the knowledge that i have nothing because of shitty decisions on my part. I don't know how much longer i can continue to subject myself to these feelings or the people and social situations that allow the emotions to rise. If i don't give the negativity fuel, will it not die on it's own? I don't really know since i am no longer in a position to just disappear completely. I feel so alienated and isolated....and it's my own damn fault. Ultimately I am the one to blame for all my problems. Open question though-Why must i surround myself with people who seemingly spur the jealous, envious feelings inside of me? Why must i associate with those who seemingly have everything they could ever want, knowing full well how that will affect me? It's they're fault they were raised without ever having a want or need go unfulfilled. Nor is it their fault that they were brought up in a loving and caring family. Maybe it just hurts to see people have everything i wished i could've had my whole life, and they just completely take it for granted.Does this not having theses material things make me a stronger person? Does the fact that i know the feeling of having no roof over my head, nor food in my stomach with no way of filling my stomach, nor any sense of what will happen to me next make me a stronger person? I can't answer that. It's hard for me not to experience these feelings when it's be theses people versus myself my whole life. It's difficult for me to believe i actually am a strong person when i can barely control my emotions even though i know it's a neurological imbalance of chemicals and nuerotransmitters being wired in a way so alien from the 99% of our society's population, that neurologists and psychopharmacologists and the entire field of psychiatry are in scramble to untangle the wires so as to cure people like me. It's still really no consolation. I honestly don't think i've ever been relaxed in a non-drug induced stae ever in my life. It's rare to say that i've felt truly happy more than maybe ahandful of times. (thank you gwen)I'm not writing to hurt anyone's feelings-only to make an attempt to get mine out of me so i can once again join the living.expect more soon. real soon.-j
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[02 Jul 2006|05:33pm] |
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why can't i have anormal life?I'm beginning to think i should just get some money together and disappear forever. I mean i have no friends, no job, apparently no longer have a girlfriend and will probably never have another one, i still live with my father due to a complete lack of being able to care for myself. basiacally, i'm the perfect definition of a loser and what little i did have i fucked up and lost. I can feel the tears burning my lids and a brand new panic attack coming on. But wait, this happens every weekend.Somehow though, I don't think i can manage to pull my life together again-not even with the help of all the king's horses and all the king's men.I should just get a gun and shoot myself.Noone seems to understand though they all say they do. If they understood how i feel, then why do they act so upset and pissed and have such little patience when they find out about my repeated suicide attempts? Not so open minded now are you? So, to all of those who say they understand pain, you don't understand a fucking thing! Come live in my head for a week or two. You'll be clawing at walls and once you're let out you'll have a new found respect for ppl like me and wonder how we manage to function amongst ppl like you and how we manage to somehow not commit suicide before age 30.I completely understand bipolar characters in the movies now. I've become one of them-the tragic suicide way before it's time by an ultra-creative and all-around really sweet persona. Noone really ever truly understands these characters. To most, they aren't even ill-they're "just that way" and so the world at large ignores their pleas for help until a major tragedy occurs. So i guess i'm just ignorant in expecting anyone aside from another of thre outcast mentally ill to understand my plight and i guess noone ever will understand how awful it feels to be me. This may come across illegible or plain garbled, but remember i live in a dream world or rather a nightmare land. So don't be so surprised that i seem so irrational-my reality isn't shared by most-only the most elite of the elite-you can't will yourself there and you definitely cannot will yourself out. Be happy you're not here and celebrate.While you're counting your blessings, say a prayer for fallen souls like myself who will never be allowed to know the happiness that you can.
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| So Sick Of Sickness |
[02 Jul 2006|02:55pm] |
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I'm so sick of being sick. I've finally fucked up for the last time. I've reached rock bottom or so i hope. Everyone has abandoned me. Bipolar disorder has claimed any sense of normalcy i could ever know. Not that i hadd ever known a sense of normalcy, but damn it i'd like for once in my life to feel normal like the rest of the world. Not this 3-4 days of hypo-mania(which incidentally, is as close to "normalcy" that i've ever felt) followed by 3-4 days of massive, crushing depression. And it's not like i don't know it's coming. For the past two weeks it's been like clockwork. And now, Gwen-my girlfriend or former girlfriend(i honestly don't know which it is at this point), blames me for her problems on top of me having to contend with all of the other bullshit in my life. She says "maybe you need god in your life?"(notice the lack of capitalisation on the word god?) I'd believe ina god-any god, if only this sickness would just let up even a little bit. Now,just about the only source of financial help is going to deny me because my father makes too money and i live with him.Gwen wants me to attend this bipolar support group at 5-but idoubt i'll go. I need to fill out this test so i can do some day labor this week and it's at 4. I need to do day labor so i can come up the $75.00 to see my psychiatrist on Thursday who will be able to give me samples of a medication called Lamictal(which i have painstakingly researched to make damn sure it'll work.). I do love her, but i refuse to put her through anymore of my personal hell. I've come to believe the following saying is true-"earth runs parallel to hell". I believe it because my life is hell. i live in a waking, lucid nightmare. I awake every morning(from actual sleep) and pray it was all just a bad dream. then i realise it's my reality. i live in constant fear of what this thing in my head will do or say next. Gwen suggested i record my thoughts-that's next to impossible to record them-they flow way too fast and most are probably delusional at worst, irrational at best. I understand what's wrong with me,I'm just at a loss over what i can do to fix it. I did believe in a god once. That god was obviously not merciful. It chose to allow me to continue to suffer.How could an omnipotent, infallible being such as that whom is supposedly a father of us all, and truly loves us as children-allow one of it's own to suffer as i do day after day? Why can't things get better?
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[09 Jun 2006|05:09pm] |
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Well, my son was born a little over one week ago, and i feel as though i should feel normal and happy like any other father, but my bipolar or whatever is wrong with me seems to be preventing me from feeling any true happiness.Today,I feel exceptionally bad which is strange b/c my lithium seemed to be working for the past two days and now all of a sudden-nothing.Maybe it's just all the stress from being out of work yet again and the sudden realisation that i can no longer cook for a living due to the high stress levels in a kitchen.Now, i have no clue what i'm gonna do for a living and i have another child. Plus, i'm now dealing with Gwen's mom making me feel like a shitty father everytime i'm around my son. I swear to God it's like the woman can't not say a hurtful word to me or her own daughter for even a single day. Why should i have to back down when she's the one that seems to me to be acting fucked up-yeah i understand she's stressed but we all are. I'm really getting sick of being sick in the head. 28 years is way too long. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes it feels like i wanna just rip my head open and take diseased parts of my brain out so i can live a normal life. Perhaps I should start smoking pot again-at least when i do that, I'm nice and normal.
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[27 May 2006|02:39pm] |
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So, I feel fucking awful lately. Ever since i started back on my lithium i've been feeling not human at all. I feel cold, completely hopeless and sad, i also feel completely enraged at times and just all over agitated, irritated and upset and dissatisfied. All of these feelings seem to become stronger and more difficult to fight off the closer Gwen's due comes.I feel completely sub standard and inadequate.I don't feel good enough to be with her-I mean shit, I can barely hold a job for a month. I really wish she would get one of those books like the one's the publish for loved ones of those with bi-polar. Maybe it would help her cope with my disease. She always projects any/all of my negativity upon herself.It hurts me for her to do that because she is great and i know this at all times somewhere inside my mind, but it's just so fucking difficult to fight the negative emotions that seem to just come out of nowhere. Sometimes, she reacts(well, usually) in a manner that makes me feel/think that she believes that i have some degree of control over these feelings when i really don't. Perhaps I should take her to the counseling therapy sessions offered at my psychiatrist's office.I mean at least then they'd be able to give her some kind of guidance for where to go for support in these matters. I really do love her-so much. I fear that this disease will tear us apart-and i don't want that to happen, which is why i get so upset about getting so upset.I suppose i shoud expect her to not know how to deal with mental illness as her family is pretty much untainted.I just wanna get better.
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| Misery |
[14 May 2006|04:32pm] |
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I hate having Bi-polar disorder. It's like one day i'm fine. I'm happy, I love my girlfriend, I'm excited to be in love with the mother of my son, and the next day....well, i feel completely empty and soul-less, back to shell with nothing to fill it but a heart of stone.I feel full of tarry blackness.It sucks living with a diseased brain.why do i have to live like this? Why must my loved one(s) suffer needlessly and be forced to stand idly by to watch me suffer almost daily with my disease, because that's what it is. I can't hold a job because of this, my relationships professional and personal all suffer. And because i can't hold a job, I can't go see a doctor.To make matters worse, noone-especially the agencies that say they're here to help those like me are really willing to grant me the help i so desperately need. How can an element on the fucking periodic table be so damn difficult to get my hands on? There exists not one single over the counter remedy for my disease.And to make matters worse, I now realise that i really do have a pretty severe panic disorder in ADDITION to my Bi-polar disorder.I swear to God, one day i'm gonna keel over from a self-induced heart attack, and not one single person in the medical profession will bat a fucking eyelash, but they're not the only evil ones here.I also hold contempt for their brother-in-arms-the pharmaceutical industry.Just reinforces my disbelief in america and humanity at large.I'm so sickened by most of the world now.Bi-polar has been so grossly over diagnosed that it's difficult for someone like me to get any real actual help while there are people like one of my peers who has a daughter she doesn't give a shit about, who does drugs constantly and claims to be bi-polar and cons SSI out a monthly check so her lazy-ass won't have to get up and get a real job while I suffer needlessly in a never-ending string of jobs that last no more than two weeks because i can't get help.i'm really starting to hate america.what the fuck does it take to get help? Must i sell drugs to make the money it costs to see a psychiatrist? I mean 300.00 plus for a first visit is like a weeks pay for me.That's fucking ridiculous.Anbd getting a clinic card-lmfao.They aren't much better than the rest-they still don't give a fuck.At least one person in this world cares about me.And she always ends up paying the most for the rest of socities inhumanity towards those of us whom are truly mentally ill.I thank God every day that at least i have her.But i also feel cursed that i must suffer like this and that i must put her through this hell that is my life.-I'm sorry.
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[13 May 2006|10:17pm] |
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So I've reached this undescribable point in my relationship with my girlfriend, Gwen. I cannot even describe how much love I have for this woman. I'm not quite accustomed to feeling like this. As a matter of fact I've never felt like this before.I know in my heart that we were meant to have met( or did we just find each other? Hmmmm.). There is no doubt in my mind that she was made for me. She's an angel-I swear.She sent me this email that was the single most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me-i broke into tears of joy-literally when i read it, several times. I love her so much-I've never felt the way she makes me feel-it's so great!Thank you so much for everything!
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[12 Apr 2006|11:43am] |
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why can't she just realise how much she hurts me sometimes? Is it that difficult to realise you're hurting someone.Why would you want to push someone who loves you away like this? I don't undertsand. She just says shit that hurts me or makes feel alone and left out-and then she doesn't really even seem to care. Lately, everytime shit like this happens, i think to myself-"why do you put up with this?" and i know it's because i love her, but loving someone can only take you so far. The fucking arrogant attitude she's got needs to go.And this is the majority of why i get upset so damn much.i feel like i gave the majority of my personality and identity to her in exchange for what now exists-i feel almost like i'm some plaything to her that she dresses up and shit.I'm getting closer to my breaking point with this woman.I don't want to leave or whatever, but i feel as though i'm being pushed away-pushed out of this relationship.What can i possibly do? She doesn't want to change-so that makes me think that she doesn't love me anywhere near what she claims.This sux.
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[12 Apr 2006|11:25am] |
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It really fucking sucks to feel completely left out and alienated, but my girlfriend obviously either cannot comprehend this, just doesn't give a fuck or never had the displeasure of feeling this way. The fucked up thing is, when she does shit to make me feel this way, she feels like she'sd not doing anything wrong. Maybe i should just go do something else for a few days since she seems to think that she's always right and i'm always wrong and that she can do no wrong.I really get sick of that behavior sometimes.She's so fucking spoiled and there's nothing i can do to change that.I'm so pissed at her right now, i wanna put a hole through my fucking wall. I mean, why does she always hurt my feelings? How long am i expected to deal with her doing and saying things that hurt me so? I am at a complete loss-i don't know what to do.I love her, but this fucking shit has got to stop. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like i'm inferior to her or something. I keep thinking she'll learn some humility or something, but i've seen nothing of the sort since i've known her.She says she can't change-bullshit. I know because i'm a much different person than when i first met her. She just refuses to change because it's so much easier to continue to be spoiled rotten by her family, plus she wants to believe that she couldn't ever possibly be wrong about ANYTHING. Yeah, and she says she is so open-minded.wtfe.
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[15 Mar 2006|10:06am] |
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Now, Gwen refuses to speak to me online b/c i supposedly don't want to see her...which is complete and utter bullshit.She's all acting like i said i wanted some space so that i could go cheat on her. Now, granted most people(or so she says) would use that excuse to do just that, but i've only left the house once in 2 days-i just needed some time alone, away from the world at large. It's not that i don't want to see her seeing as i normally take two busses to go see her almost daily-i just needed some me time-that's it-why does she refuse to understand this? J ust b/c she's used the time apart thing to cheat on ex-boyfriends doesn't mean that's what i'm up to-why would i cheat on her-the best thing that's ever happened to me.Considering that i have huge issues involving women cheating on me, why would i do that to someone i love so damn much?!!!This is sooo stupid and gay.
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[15 Mar 2006|09:40am] |
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well, i'm still feeling a bit off. Almost like i got some kind of inner turmoil going on-still don't quite know what to make of it. Well, today I have to call this job back so as to find out if my drug test and physical cleared-i'm real nervous seeing as i haven't heard word one from them since the test.When I called the other day, the gentleman i spoke to still hadn't heard anything from the woman in human resources so hopefully today i'll find out though i'm not expecting the outcome to be good.
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